Honest Trailers Double Edition: 300 & 300 Rise Of An Empire
by Legatum
Summary: Merry Christmas! I give you the first ever Honest Trailers Double Edition! In the spirit of Christmas all 300 & 300: Rise Of An Empire fans are respectfully requested to lay down all torches and pitchforks before entering.


The Following Trailer**_s _**Are Rated NM For No Mercy!

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From the director that gave us that shity superhero movie (You pick) comes the hit gorefest that was so over the top, the camera crew had to slit their wrists before every take just to get enough blood for the scenes.

300!

If Magic Mike was to modest for your hardened modern sensibilities, then you're in luck, cause this film has got enough sweaty butts, abs, and thighs to outdo Golden Corral in the meat department.

Journey back in time to ancient Europe, an era of kings, empires, and complete rejection of any standards of modesty whatsoever. When the mighty Persian empire invades the peaceful (snicker) land of Greece, the only thing standing between them and world domination is 300 of the buffest male strippers that the world has ever seen.

Meet the Spartans, a society of mighty warriors who are so manly that they have forgone such pussified tripe as armor and clothing, electing to fight as true men should, bare-chested, tight-thonged, and copiously oiled.

Together, they will stand against the great Xerxes, a bald, freshly waxed white boy with more bling than Mr. T, who commands the greatest army of freaks, abused zoo animals, and Scream cosplayers ever assembled, as they fight for the right to wear adult diapers into battle.

Prepare for a bloodbath that would make George R.R. Martin proud, as Zack Synder manages to make ancient Greek history even more f##ked up than it already is; delivering an experience so drenched in blood and boobs, it's sure to satisfy even the most hardcore closet pervert/serial killer.

So gird thy loins for a Game Of Thrones style bloodbath that does it's best to include a little something for everyone, including: historical accuracy for the nerds, sweaty six packs for the jocks, naked men for the female audience, naked women for the male audience, and some weird shit for all the perverts inbetween.

Starring:

Gerard Buttler- Leonides

Odin- Dilios

David 8- Stelios

King Blingxes- Xerxes

The Dick Of Notre Dame- Ephialtes

Mr. Krabs- The Executioner

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300 Pecs!

Honestly, I prefer the original film from 1962. Call me old fashioned, but I'll take campy 1960s style action over mutant Persian Goatmen and Gerard Butlers' bare ass any day.

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From a guy you've never heard of, whose career of forty plus years has produced a whole two movies and one miniseries, comes a film released in 2014, based on a comic released in 2018. Not quite sure how that works.

300: Rise Of An Empire!

Return to the semi-nude gorescape of hallowed antiquity, as the greasy, hard nippled warriors of ancient Greece continue their war against wannabe rap master Xerxes and his hordes of disposable red shirts. Only this time, they're on _**Boats**__._

King Buttler and the his gym bros are gone, and a new slice of muscled man meat must take the oiled torch. Enter Themistocles, General of the significantly less badass state of Athens, who must now face new hordes of stumbling meat shields led by the evilest looking bitch you've ever seen in your life. Thankfully she left the goatmen and lobster boys at home this time.

To save their nation and preserve the seeds of western civilization, Themmy and his men will go full Baywatch and take their Fruit Of The Loom wearing asses to the high seas to fight and die as wet as humanly possible.

Witness the completely historically accurate origin of King Xerxes. Whom, history apparently tells us, wandered the desert wrapped in gauze until he stumbled upon a magical Macguffin pit that granted him the powers of hairlessness and eternal bling.

So reapply your lotion, and slid into the sequel that butchers its historical premise like it butchers its extras, because apparently blood is just like ketchup, use enough of it and it will mask _any _bad taste... or plot.

Starring:

Ra's Al Bald- Xerxes

Miss Peregrine's Home for F##ked up Children- Arthemisa

Heir Of Buttler- Themistocles

Sarah Connor- Queen Gorgo

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Game Of Thrones: Greek Edition!

I can't wait to see the film adaptation of The Battle of Waterloo, where Napoleon is a evil wizard played by Joaquin Phoenix and the Duke Of Wellington is some Conan The Barbarian ripoff in a powdered wig played by Hulk Hogan.


End file.
